Cousins don't exist.

Dasai has arrived and it's that time of the year to visit family and friends we know and also those relatives who we don't know or are just too far in the family tree, but just knock on the front door and appear at your house out of nowhere.

Nonetheless, I'm fortunate to have ALOT of relatives, mainly living in Nepal, but also in other parts of the world including the UK and USA. And it ceases to amaze me how many middle aged men and women I've had to refer to as Uncle and Auntie or some random stranger as 'dai' or 'didi'. Being a member of the Asian race, it's something you get accustomed to. Everyone is your brother or sister : - ) (except your wife or husband. Even my mum used to call her parents didi, dai (older sister and older brother). It's weird. There is just no saying who's your brother or where a certain family member fits in the family tree, maybe it's not worth us knowing - controversial subject ;)

I'll give you a recent example that made me think. I was at a wedding a few years ago, in London, UK. A nice small low key wedding for close family members. The brides and groom's families hadn't met before and so during the reception (after the ceremony), someone from the brides side (they were European) suggested everyone from the grooms side introduce themselves and their relation to the groom. So the queue went round and it came to me, and I said, "I'm so and so, and I'm his cousin, his mother and my mother are sisters". I made it clear my relation to the groom. But then about 10 other male relatives say the following in turn:

"I'm X, and I'm his brother."
"I'm Y, and I am his brother."
.
. ( yes you get the idea)
.
...and I'm Z, and funnily enough I'm also his brother."

When the groom has one real brother, how do you explain to a bunch of Europeans, who's the real brother? I know it's a cultural thing, but what's so hard about saying our exact relationship to somebody? Do we not want to come across as less important or too distant? Maybe it's just too complicated to explain what the relation is. Fear not, help is at hand, hopefully the following might be of assistance.

Unless you live in some authoritarian society, a little inquisitiveness can do no harm and a lot of great. I did some fact finding on cousin relationships on Wikipedia[1] and how you're meant to formally describe the more complicated family ties. It was all new to me, but did you know if your cousin (no not your brother or sister...lol) has a child, then that child is actually also referred to as your cousin. Well almost, as you shall see there is a correct way of describing that relationship. The way to describe that relationship you have with that relative you seem to always pass ships with is explained in the chart below.

European Kinship System - Timro bo ko ho? [1]

The system uses the idea of "degrees" and "removed" to exactly describe the relationship. So going back to the example I mentioned earlier, your cousin's child is your 'first cousin once removed'. So, using the chart, see if you can work out the correct relationship in the descriptions below (answers will be in my next blog post).

So when it's your turn to describe your relation to the relative that magically appears at this time of the year, you can be a smart ass and tell them how it is : - )

1. Your Mother and your relative's Father are siblings.


2. Your grandfathers sister.


3. Your Uncle's grand-daughter.


4. Your second cousin's son.


5. Your great Aunt's great great great great grandson (Tough).


On a final note, in reality I wouldn't use the exact terms in this kinship system but I think it's helpful just to be clearer to folks that don't know you. Now if I've got you intrigued in all this cousin relation stuff, I recommend you take a read of the article over on Wikipedia [2], lots of talk about double cousins and inbreeding!

Anyway, happy holidays didi, bhaini's and dai's, bhai's (if you pardon the pun).


[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin[2]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:European_kinship_system_en.svg

A perspective abroad...

http://iloveourfuture.blogspot.com/2011/03/divided-we-stand-united-we-fall.html

Made in UK, sorry no China, UK bhaneko

We all have them; whenever we're about to embark on a trip to Nepal, some relative (or relatives!) tries a fast one, and will kindly request, "Dada/Didi, can you send me a iPhone?"

When you can't or barely afford an iPhone yourself, what is your reaction? 

a) Think about it, ponder over your finances, procrastinate for a bit, and make a decision later.

or 

b) Just buy an iPhone at your nearest Apple store because you love your relative so much.

I don't know about you, but for me, it's "c) You can go to hell!"

Shock, horror, why would I think like this, I must be a cruel kinda guy >:) well actually I think I have, what you're about to read is a reasonable opinion : - )

If you gonna sell it like that, ma pani laptop chian-cha, (but must be shipped from UK)!

It all started off when I was at someone's house for the evening, and someone mentioned how their Dad in Nepal wanted a laptop from the UK, shipped to Nepal. Instantly, that sounded really daft. I've been to Nepal, and I've been to the electronic stores in Nepal, and there are plenty of laptops for sale, prices not that different from UK, why doesn't their Dad just buy one there (or arrange some Western Union job, and buy the laptop in Nepal?). You guessed it, everything made in the UK is great is 100% superior to the rest of the world (even if it's stolen or 2nd hand).

Wrong.

Uhh...does a Rolls Royce airplane engine interest you? Thought not, sorry nothing else is made here.

Unfortunately, that is the impression etched into the Dad's mind in Nepal (and every other person from a developing country), despite a product so universal and manufactured from a handful of countries uhhh.Chi.emm..na.emm.and.Tai-wan, it has to come from the UK. "Oh look, yo UK bara aiyo." except the truth is it's made in China and has made a complete round trip to a country neighboring where the laptop was probably first assembled, with it's electronic parts taking a few drops on the way. If someone could prove to me statistically, laptops (or any globally known or used device) are inferior in Nepal when compared to the same products bought abroad, then I'll be happy for someone to prove me wrong : - ) It's like saying, I want to buy a BMW car (pretty standard across Europe), but request to buy one from Germany, (assuming it's about the same price) and have it shipped over to the UK, which would probably cost me more, and in essence a waste of time. Maybe no one trusts the Germans or Chinese. : - )

Oh yeah just take one, they just magically appeared.

The other gripe I have is, when a request like this arrives is, you buy an iPhone for someone (same argument as above, you can get one there too), this gets around your family, and they either all start asking to buy one for them as well (like iPhones grow out of your back pocket), or suddenly you're enemy no.1 for not giving them a gift of equal or superior worth. It's usually both. You can't win with folks back home, so there is only one solution...

....arrive with nothing. 

God Save the Queen and Jai Nepal

P.S. In the end, the Dad bought the laptop in Nepal. A wise Dad, like so many : - )

Nepali caste organisations - wrong end of the stick

Sorry guys and gals, it's been over a month I've been meaning to get blogging again, I've had some busy busy times lately, the usual life stuff, job, family, events, life again, etc. (though not busy enough to pay someone to write this blog for me), though I think the worse of it is over now so I can finally get started....Wa-hoo!

So what's been on my mind lately. Well, what I'm about to discuss is a complex subject, one I wish people would just stop and discuss more intelligently, providing pragmatic solutions and set some examples. Anyway here goes. 

Anyone interested in politics (wait..read on...) may have watched David Cameron's speech on multiculturalism [1] [2] recently on which I have to admit he hits the nail on head on a number of issues related to immigration, identity, terrorism, failure of multiculturalism and lots of others (am I conservative voter?...I dunno, I'll wait until next general election in 2015 : - ), but it got me thinking about my own identity in the UK, the identities of Nepali's in the UK, and what I think UK Nepali's (whatever level of lousiness) experience of multiculturalism is. Coincidently also, I've had a few Brit-Nepali's come up to me lately, and say, "You know mate, I'm going to Nepali functions or parties and feeling less and less Nepali everyday." or as I would say, "I'm becoming a lousier and lousier Nepali everyday."  And therefore for a lot of us born or resided in the UK for some time, we've started to examine our cultural identity. No doubt this is an issue done to death on Internet forums and in the media and will come up again and again in the future, but what's different this time is these issues are out in the open from all angles as British PM David Cameron demonstrated (but provided no solutions..typical). So I'm going to begin to talk about it freely too and hope you will join me in this debate : - )


Looking at our community, despite arrivals (new and old) from Nepal making the UK their new home for whatever reason, work opportunities, to study, family reasons - for some, perhaps fed up of institutional caste-ism that exists in Nepal, and therefore lack of opportunities, why is it every now and again I hear yet another UK Nepali caste-orientated organisation has formed in an attempt to foster good relations with fellow ethnic Nepali's? Like I said this is a complex issue  with many questions and answers, but already lots of questions spring to mind, simple questions like, why is this phenomena occurring? Does the community really need to setup caste groups? Why can't we just have an umbrella group to support all communities?
Has the community fallen into the multiculturalism that David Cameron describes - where different communities just live side by side passively? mmm...Let's examine this further.

For those that have been here in the UK a long time, know that one time (and I suspect there still is) an organisation called the Yeti Nepalese Association that has been operating since 1960's. I remember my Dad getting regular periodicals, featuring event news and elections etc. and irrespective of your background, you were encouraged to join. Nowadays, we have Nepali caste groups, and you can join that group if you belong to that particular caste. Does something feel wrong already? My Dad certainly did when last year he was asked to join a certain caste group, he instantly wondered why there isn't just a general Nepali social organisation that he could join. Beats me.

The Yeti isn't a myth is it?

However, at the core of it, I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong having a Nepali caste social group, I think it's great that people from a particular group can continue to keep alive their traditions, and exercise that freedom with their family members and fellow members. In addition, as well as for social purposes, I can understand why setting up a caste group (for certain castes) can be empowering when coming from a country like Nepal where many castes have had a history of been oppressed and suffered discrimination by generations of rulers. The opportunity for people to take a lead and air their a voice can only be a positive one. This is what makes the UK great for allowing people to be confident of who they are and allow people to aspire to do whatever they want to do in life, an example to the rest of world. However, caste groups are not without their issues, and if they're really going to be the way Nepali social groups become I think a few things need to change and looked at closely for a more positive community spirit and a working-together attitude. They are as follows:

1) Too inclusive: If the intention of these caste groups is to develop and share their culture and keep traditions alive amongst themselves and the younger generation, surely it's beneficial for anyone to be encouraged to come along to the caste group so that different cultures are better understood by other people. For example, Mrs. Gurung has a friend named Mr Shrestha, can't Miss Gurung just invite Mr Shrestha to find out about her friends samaj. What happens when Mr Shrestha marries Miss Gurung, intercaste marriages are not uncommon, now you can't join any group...hahaha. Fail. So it's better to be more open about who can join, after all we all live in the same country. Is that illegal to exclude someone based on race? Maybe, maybe not.

2) Location issues: What happens when Mr Shah is living and working in Edinburgh but there is a single Thakuri Samaj say in the South East of England, however there is say a Tamu Dhee Society in Edinburgh, and given the way caste societies usually operate, how does one address the social and cultural needs of Mr. Shah. Wouldn't just an umbrella organisation like Yeti, operating a branch in Edinburgh and the South East of England with an open door policy solve this problem and cater for all Nepali communities?

3) Too seriously organised: Does anyone care about the constitution? Why the heck is there one in the first place. It's just a social group with a common interest. Elect a few leaders that want to lead and put on a good show for the community.

4) Lack focus. - I think caste groups should be educating everyone else about their caste, I think alot of people would be interested, and would benefit everyone if this is the way Nepali social groups are going to be. Otherwise, all these groups are just the same, eating food, football matches, etc. Just an idea.

Interesting, my fingers have 5 fingers, how many does yours have?

Maybe as a result of growing up as a liberal Brit-Nepali there are some facts and points of view I need to be enlightened on regarding caste-based organisations, so I would encourage any healthy debate. But I hope most people reading this blog will agree with me that there are advantages and disadvantages for an umbrella organisation and a caste group to cater for needs of a major ethnic group. I don't know what the complete and correct answer is yet, but I think ultimately both can work together for Nepali's to understand each other and work together, to better integrate into UK society and set an example for Nepali's around the world.


Thanks for reading.


Constructive comments only, no hating please : - )


[1] David Cameron's Munich speech on multiculturalism - Part 1
[2] David Cameron's Munich speech on multiculturalism - Part 2